Forget Avril Lavigne!
by PearlyJammer
Summary: The wierdest Logan Returns story ever...... There's a bit of necrophelia, an incedent with a sheep, and Avril Lavigne....
1. Default Chapter

Title: Forget Avril Lavigne!  
  
Author: Autumn  
  
E-mail: autumnleaves@autumnpenguins.com  
  
Archive: Autumn's Penguin Emporium, DH, others please ask  
  
Rating: R graphic, inappropriate language, carnage, necrophilia, and cruelty to animals  
  
Summary: The weirdest Logan Returns fic ever written.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Avril Lavigne or the X-Men.  
  
Author's Notes: Flame me if you must, but this is a PARODY. I love X-Men Movie verse as much as the next Logan/Rogue fan, but I also love satire and parody, so don't take it too seriously.  
  
WARNING: This fic contains some seriously demented content. Read at your own discretion. But its funny, if you're twisted ; )  
  
***********************  
  
It was a perfect day. The sun was bright and the grass was green upon the earth. The birds were singing and the frogs were croaking and the rabbits were being especially frolicsome. Nothing was wrong with the world because it was a very, very happy day! The Wolverine was coming home to roost, er live anyway. He'd been away for many years (2) and had sex 476,897,454,333,.2 times with 15,000 women, 7 transvestites and one sheep. The latter had been more of a necessity to get out of a deal with the Swedish mafia than out of any real interest in the sheep. Nevertheless Logan couldn't bear to be parted with Louis afterwards and the little lamb had traveled with him since then.  
  
Logan had stolen Scott's bike once upon a time but it had been lost when Logan made a very, very poor bet in a cad game when he had a hand with a 2, a 3, a 4, a five, 5 a 5. He'd lost the bike and had been traveling on a scooter ever since with Louis running along beside him. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on him. But none of that happened anymore, he was coming home and that was all that mattered. He turned into the driveway, and parked the scooter carefully. He would have seen the gigantic banner that covered the entire front of the mansion that read WELCOME HOME LOGAN! WE KNEW YOU WERE COMING, AFTER ALL PSYCHICS LIVE HERE! but he tripped over the rope that tied Louis to the scooter.  
  
Eventually the big bad, if slightly uncoordinated, and slightly bow- legged Wolverine managed to make his way into the mansion. When the door opened there was immediate silence. And then.... "Welcome home Logan!" Rogue shrieked on gangly legs that made her look like a half-retarded zebra when she ran.  
  
"Yeah hi kid." Logan said, sparing the lovesick, slobbering teenager a second of his time before he looked for the real reason he had returned. A hush fell over the crowd; all that could be heard was the soft click of what were undoubtedly high heels. After ten minutes, Jean Grey appeared at the top of the stairwell. "Jean," Logan breathed. "Why are you wearing nine inch stilettos?"  
  
"These are my sensible shoes," the telepath said, arching her eyebrow demurely.  
  
Rogue couldn't take it. The looks, the utter sexual tension that hung between the air between the two, and the refusal of the man she loved with all of her heart. Rogue's lower lip trembled and her eyes filled with crocodile tears. She opened her mouth and let out a heart wrenching WAHHHHHHHH before falling to the floor and throwing a temper tantrum. Logan turned towards Rogue and considered her. "Quit yer bitchin.'" he said before licking his lips and giving Jean another steamy look. Logan walked back outside and returned quickly with the scooter and Louis in tow.  
  
"Here Scooter, here's your scoot-bike." Logan said, thrusting the object into Scott's arms.  
  
"That's not what it looked like when you left!" Scott said, hand on his hips; his actions caused him to drop the scooter directly onto his left foot.  
  
This turned out to be most unfortunate as Scott screamed in pain and suddenly dove to the floor. His tongue shot out of his mouth in a dead on impression of Toad's and wrapped itself around Louis' hind leg. The baffled sheep was pulled towards the Fearless Leader in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Scott opened his mouth to reveal razor sharp teeth, which he promptly sunk into poor Louis' ass. Louis' squeal of pain brought Logan around, and with a pop of the claws, Logan lunged at Scott. His aim was true, and in less than a minute, the sheep violator was brought to justice. "A good sheep is hard to find," was Logan's post-slaughter comment.  
  
"Honestly Logan, couldn't you at least have taken him outside to do that? We just had the floors buffed!" Jean sighed in exasperation.  
  
"Calm down everybody, just calm down. Now, whose got body detail this time?" Charles Xavier asked nonchalantly.  
  
"1, 2, 3 Not it!" Storm yelled.  
  
"Not it!" Rogue clapped, her temper forgotten in the excitement of murder.  
  
"Not it." Jean said calmly.  
  
"Not it!" Logan said catching on.  
  
"It!" Kitty said excitedly before anybody could claim the detail for themselves.  
  
Kitty was absolutely brilliant, but a little bit nutty. She'd been obsessed with Scott Summers for months now, and even more determined to have her man. The way she saw it, this was the perfect opportunity. She'd read somewhere that when rigermortis set it, the corpse went stiff-all over.  
  
The hall was quickly emptied. The kids went back to smoking pot and busying themselves to become juvenile delinquents. Kitty quickly grabbed a body bag from the main hall's supply closet and Rogue set her sights on stalking Logan. Now that Scott was out of the picture, and the possible yet unbelievable Jean/Scottl/Logan was no longer a factor, Rogue realized that getting Logan would be harder than she anticipated. But she had a plan. Well, she didn't really, but she soon would. Rogue realized that she would have to enlist the help of her best friend. Kitty always came up with the best plans that were zany, yet sensible. Rogue remembered that Kitty was on body detail, so she turned towards the back door to enter the cemetery that was on the grounds. At least in the privacy of the mansion grounds, nobody asked questions about the mysterious nature of many of the deaths.  
  
Sure enough, she found Kitty, whom she expected to see with a shovel. Instead she caught an eyeful of well, something unspeakable. "Oh my God! Kiitty what are you doing?"  
  
TBC.... 


	2. The Prisoner of the Mansion

** Disclaimer in Part One   **  

Previous installments can be found at:  www.autumnpenguins.com  

*******************  

"Kitty, you promised last time that it was the end of your necrophilia phase!"  Rogue said exasperated. 

"I said no such thing," Kitty said with as much dignity as one can while straddling a corpse.  

"You're exact words were 'its just something I need to get out of your system.'" Rogue reminded her fetishy friend. 

"Look, can we talk about this later?  Leader boy here ain't gonna be warm forever."   

"Fine, just find me when you're done and have taken a shower, or five."  Rogue muttered and went back to contemplating the man of her dreams.  

Meanwhile, said man was being given the latest updates on what had happened at the mansion since he'd last been there.  Xavier was leading the way, floating along in midair.  He'd decided that as long as he was a telepath, no chair would confine him.  Instead he chose to float along on a red silken cushion, and set it on the floor at his will.  Logan just shrugged it off, the man had always been weird, he figured he'd just continue to sink into senility as he aged and that was just fine.  On Logan's right was the newly widowed Dr. Jean Grey-Summers.  

"Shouldn't you be burying your husband?"  Logan queried.  

"How can you say that?  I just became a widow!" Jean sniffed.  

Logan just stared at her.  Even with tears on her face, her make-up was still perfect.  He wondered why her mascara wasn't running, and then he noticed the small spray bottle she was holding in her hand.  Apparently, she didn't love Scott as much as everyone had assumed she did.  "We've had the privilege of gaining several young people, and one celebrity.  He opened the door and the three entered a corridor Logan hadn't seen the first time he'd been to the mansion.  

Inside was a very harassed looking blonde.  Logan noticed she was wearing a straight jacket.  "Logan, this is Avril Lavigne."  Xavier said pleasantly.   

"Let me out of here already.  Or at least tell me what holding me here's all about!"  Avril growled. 

Jean and Xavier began to snicker uncontrollably.  Logan looked puzzled.    

"We told you what this was ABOOT!" Jean cackled.  

"Oh screw you.  Ya dumb bitch." Avril replied.  

"What's her mutation, and why's she locked up?"  Logan asked.  

"Well, Miss Lavigne is in the music industry, and yet she somehow has the ability to keep her shirt on!"Xavier chimed, clapping excitedly before overbalancing and toppling off his pillow.  

"As to the jacket, she has gonorrhea of the brain.  She's crazy." Jean said seriously. 

"There's no such thing!" the singer screamed.  

"Obviously she's highly disturbed in her brain.  She refuses to acknowledge that she's both a mutant and a Canadian.  Although, truthfully I don't know if I would be able to deal with both at the same time."  Xavier said, oblivious to the fact that he was insulting Logan and Avril at the same time.  

"I'm Canadian and a mutant and there's nothing wrong with me either." Logan growled up.  

"Of course not." Jean said with a patronizing look. 

"We'll be back to check on you again tomorrow.  If you can't admit your condition, we'll start the torture."  Jean threatened.  

"What?  These chats of ours aren't bad enough?"  Avril shot back.  

Jean just narrowed her eyes in response before ushering the two men out of the room.  She slammed the door with her telekinesis before Avril had a chance to dash out.  "I'll get that Canadian, and her big mouth too!" Jean shrieked, before running off in the direction of her lab.  

Not wishing to hear himself or his countrymen insulted again, he turned to the professor.  "You know who I hate?"  

"The recently departed Scott Summers?"  Charles guessed.  

"No.  The English.  They think they're so smart with their tea and their humor.  Oh, and their arrogance."  Logan said pointedly before stalking out to the mansion grounds.   

"Well, that was uncalled for" Xavier said huffily before floating away to do whatever it was he did all day.   

**************** 

            Jubilee and Rogue were sitting in the Rec room waiting for Kitty to return, so they could begin their planning session.  

            "Jubes, do you think Kitty has a problem?"  Rogue ventured. 

            "What, with the whole humping dead guys thing?  I dunno, it was shocking with Collossus, but it just looses its shock value after that.  Besides, everyone's got their kinks" Jubes shrugged and returned to filing her nails.  

            A few minutes later Kitty entered the room, fully showered to the relief of Rogue.  "Hey Kit, pop a squat," Jubes started, "no, wait you already have" the girl snickered.  

            Kitty shot the laughing girl a dirty look but didn't say anything.   

            "So, I want to get Logan. I need a plan."  Rogue cut straight to the chase.  

            "And you're asking my advice?" Kitty asked in surprise.  

            "Well, aside from boffing dead guys, you've got a solid mind Kitty."  Jubes threw in helpfully. 

            "But Logan looks at me like I'm a retarded zebra!"  Rogue wailed.  

            Jubilee and Kitty rolled their eyes; it was inevitable that another Rogue tantrum was approaching them.  

            "Rogue, come back and talk to us when you're done bawling your eyes our."  Kitty said simply as she and Jubilee left the room. 

***********  

            A walk around the grounds had done nothing to improve his mood.  He'd been back for less than two hours and already his sheep had been bitten, he'd killed a man, had his country insulted and began to doubt the perfection of his dream woman.  Could the day get any worse?  

"Bwerjejkekh Wogwenna"the voice of Bobby Drake rang out.    

            "What the hell?"  Logan asked, puzzled by the boy's muttering.  

            "He said, welcome home Logan." St. John said.  

            "Why does he sound like that? What's wrong with his lips?"  Logan went on.  

            "There was an accident a few weeks after you left."  St. John began.  

            "You know Bobby liked Rogue right?"   

            "I figured."  Logan said a little too sharply. 

            "Well…………"  

********* 

            Bobby had been chasing after Rogue for weeks.  Ever since her arrival, something about the brown haired girl had caught his eye.  He'd been flirting with her, trying to capture her attention in all sorts of ways.  Unfortunately for him, she'd been mooning over Logan, even though the man had essentially left her.  True, it was to find his past, but Bobby used this fact to advantage.    

            He took it upon himself to sprinkle it into conversations on a daily basis.  This day was no exception.  "Hey Rogue, how're you handling Logan's leaving?" 

            Rogue whirled on him furiously. "Is that all you can do?  Taunt me with that everyday when you know how I feel?"  

            "I didn't mean to." He said softly.  

            "Well, what did you mean then?"  

            "I mean that I want to kiss you, very badly."  Bobby blurted out.  

            "You mean you don't want to be any good at it?"  Rogue said sardonically. 

            "What?"  

            "Never mind, just come here."  Rogue said, pulling him in for a kiss.  

            Bobby enjoyed it for a split second, and then he felt the pull.  Rogue pushed him away, but the damage had been done.  He couldn't feel his lips at all.   

            The effect hadn't gone away in a few hours as Kitty had guessed.  Jean had diagnosed him with feline leukemia, but unsurprisingly, he didn't put any stock into what she said.  His lips had remained without feeling, and Bobby lost the ability to do much more than babble and drool.  He was fed by IV, and St. John had been appointed to interpret for him. 

*******  

"Huh.  Well that sucks."  Logan said, and strolled back to the mansion.   

The dinner bell had rung and Logan found himself looking forward to a good square meal.  Although, from all that had changed since his last visit, he was a little apprehensive as to what the meal would bring. Then there was always the matter of the Canadian imprisoned in the mansion.  Clearly, there were quite a few things that needed fixing around here.  For now, Logan shrugged it off and stepped into the dining room.  

***********      


End file.
